The Battle to End All Battles
by QueenofBookworms
Summary: K Unit have fought many battles. They've fought in many different areas, including high up in the mountains, down on lakes, and deep in the mines. But this battle is difficult, and has them stumped. The enemy? Head lice. The battleground? Cub's scalp.
1. Chapter 1

Chapter One

Alex kicked the door of Wolf's apartment open, and stormed inside, the packet from the chemist clutched in one hand, and his school bag slung over the other shoulder. Inside, he found the K Unit SAS soldiers busy playing, of all things, Monopoly.

"WOLF!" whined Snake. "You can't just give yourself one thousand pounds from the bank!"

"Yes I can," the K Unit leader replied. "I just storm the bank and rob it, like this." He took another one thousand pounds.

"Are you seriously the very people meant to defend our country?" asked Alex, staring at the soldiers.

"Cub?!" exclaimed Eagle, leaping to his feet. "Aren't you meant to be at school?" he asked, frowning.

"Got sent home," grumbled Alex.

"Who'd you kill?"

"I killed no one!" exclaimed Alex, glaring at Eagle. "I might ask just how you got out of jail, though."

"Breakout. See? I kill the jail guards, and break out!"

"Right," Alex replied slowly.

"Anyway," Fox replied brightly, leaping over and dragging Alex to the couch. "So, how'd you get outta school?"

"Um. Head lice."

There was silence, but only for a few minutes. After that precise amount of time, the members of K Unit jumped away from Alex, and stared at him.

"You have head lice?" asked Fox. "Oh Lord."

Ignoring Fox, Wolf frowned at Alex, and asked, rather slowly, "So what does this mean, seeing as I'm your temporary guardian, and whatnot?"

Briefly, Alex replied that, a) he couldn't go to school until the head lice was eradicated, and b) the school nurse had given him the medication. When he said the latter, he waved the chemist packet about. Wolf then snatched from him, and read the instructions printed ever so helpfully on it, whilst Alex grumbled under his breath and sank into the couch.

"Okay," said Wolf, instantly slipping into 'SAS-Leader' mode. "Fox, Snake and Eagle, I want you to…Okay, one minute." Wolf frowned for several seconds before developing a battle plan. "Fox, you start combing through Cub's hair with this." Wolf held up the head lice comb. "Eagle, grab the gloves from the first aid box. Actually, Snake, Fox, get the gloves first, before you do your jobs. Snake, your job will be to strip down Cub's bed, and stuff them into the washing machine. I'll," Wolf grimaced, "start on this medication."

K Unit nodded their heads, quite seriously. Alex stared at them, and, in a rather stunned tone, remarked, "You're being extremely serious about this, aren't you?"

"This is war, Cub."

**A/N: Inspired by my own struggles with the (censored) vermin. XD Um, my other AR fic, Revenge in Dramatic Form, will probably have four sequels, in what will probably be a bit of a series, but I'm focusing on this one first. Second chapter typed, probably up within a week. Review, please, and I'll see you next week!**


	2. Chapter 2

Chapter Two

The SAS have certain methods when it comes to dealing with enemies. If they are in the enemy's territory, certain soldiers, or units, will do certain tasks. The first is the collection of soldiers and the checking of weapons. 

After Wolf had distributed the Eagle found the first aid box in the cupboard directly underneath the kitchen bench, and took it out. He found the latex gloves quickly enough, and began studying the other contents. Would they need anything else? Pursing his lips, Eagle took out some bandages, and the syringe, along with disinfectant. After a few minutes, he shrugged, and took the entire box, and it was a large box filled with every single item ever thought of for first aid, back to the lounge room. You never knew what you needed in war.

After the weapons are collected, one soldier, or a unit, must enter the enemy's outer bases. These are the ones not primarily used by the enemy. These bases must be cleansed.

Snake, pulling on latex gloves, entered Alex's bedroom, and scrutinized it. Rather surprisingly, given that Alex was a fourteen year old teenager, there was very little mess in the bedroom, other than the books scattered on the table. He drew in a deep breath and, grimly, began the task of stripping down the bed. After all, if you were fighting against an enemy, you had to wipe out every single trace of them, right?

Next, the enemy's stronghold must be cleansed. Methodically, too. Each area must be carefully searched, and every enemy soldier found must be captured, or killed. 

Fox, with his latex gloves on, pushed his victim, Alex, into a chair, and covered him with a spare blanket, similar to the ones used by hair dressers. He then combed through Alex's hair, killing any head lice found on a bit of paper to the side. The task was done as any search of enemy buildings would have been conducted – methodically, one area at a time. No chances could be taken with this.

An optional extra step, at the end, is to destroy the building, or buildings. Similarly, a gaseous bomb can be used to flush out every single enemy soldier. 

Wolf, once again, read through the instructions, committing them to memory. The medication instructed that it be sprayed onto the casualty's hair, and combed through. No heat was to be used to dry it; the medication had to dry naturally for it to work. If left on the hair for twelve hours, the medication would help the casualty's hair develop a barrier to head lice. Wolf frowned at that. While he was loathe to use untested (e.g. non SAS approved medication) on Alex, simply because Alex was part of his Unit, he did want Alex to be properly defended against all future outbreaks of head lice. And the school nurse would want the best for Alex, right? Again, Wolf frowned. Had they checked the history of the nurse? And how did the nurse discover this?

Committing those questions to the future, Wolf checked his gloves, and then slipped on a doctor's mask, protecting his mouth and nose. Next to him, Fox did the same. Alex, stunned by the sheer insanity of all this, stared at both of them, but Fox's attempt to put a mask on him jerked him out of his stupor.

"What the hell?" asked Alex, swatting away Fox's hand. "Why are you gonna put that on? I don't need a mask. No one does." He paused, glaring at them, before adding, "Oh, and Wolf? My teachers insisted that I get regular checkups, as I've been 'sick'. That's how. And I'm not a casualty." At Wolf's surprised look, Alex sighed and added, "You were thinking out loud. And why'd you check the histories of my teachers?"

"Wolf's overprotective," Fox told him. "And besides, we're taking no chances. Not with a teen."

"I don't know whether to feel worried about your sanity, or pleased you're so concerned about me," mumbled Alex.

"The latter, please. And the instructions say not to breathe the stuff in," Wolf said, through the mask. He signalled that to Eagle, who slipped his own mask on before turning to Alex, and finding the (now sulky and rather worried about his Unit's sanity levels) teenager wearing the mask.

"Right," he said. "Time to put this stuff on."

** A/N: Sorry it's been a while....But....I have nothing to say. No excuse, except lack of free time, which isn't too valid given I'm up to writing Chapter Five. Updates will hopefully be quicker, but that's only when I can actually get on the computer with free time. And the SAS battle techniques in this are my creation. They're not actual SAS battle techniques...I think. Alex, and K Unit, belong to Horowitz. Alex's head lice was inflicted by me for the purposes of this story, and your laughter. XD Review, please!**


	3. Chapter 3

Chapter Three

Wolf carefully opened the bottle, holding it away from him as a precaution, wrinkling his nose when he smelt it. Lord, it was disgusting.

"Do we have to put that on my hair?" Alex asked, stunned. "No way," he added, answering his own question. "Ain't letting you."

"You have no say in the matter," Eagle told him. "Or don't you want to go to school?" he asked. After thinking for a few seconds, he added, "Don't answer that."

"I don't care! And I want to go to school! But, I'm not having that stuff on my hair!"

Sighing, Wolf glared at Alex. "Cub. We can do this the easy way, or we can do it the hard way. Which one do you want?"

Merely scowling, Alex crossed his arms over his chest, and glared at Wolf. The intensity of his glare surprised Wolf, who'd thought that nobody would be able to match, let alone overpower his own glare, yet here was a fourteen year old boy who was managing to do precisely that.

"Cub, why are you so concerned over your hair?" Eagle asked, finally, tiring of the glaring match.

"I just am!"

"Girl."

"Am not!" Alex replied, indignant.

"There would be so many girls out there who would be insulted that you thought it was an insult to be called a girl."

"Are there any here, now?" replied Alex, testy.

"No," Eagle admitted, "though, you never know. There could be stalkers," he added, voice changing to a tone of horror.

"Oh, c'mon. Like I'd, or you'd, have any stalker fangirls. Anyways, there's no stalker fangirl person thingie watching us so I'm perfectly fine."

"Cub," snarled Wolf, interrupting Eagle before he could reply. "There could be no fangirl stalker people 'cause how could they get past SAS or MI6 security? Now. I don't care. You are wearing this stuff for twelve hours, no more, no less, or do I have to knock you out?"

Alex scowled, again, and crossed his arms over his chest. Wolf, glaring at his young charge, curled his hand into a fist and drew it back, hoping that Alex would agree, and that he wouldn't have to knock the teenager out.

Alex's eyes widened, slightly, only slightly. He hadn't thought that Wolf would actually knock him out, but now. Well. He wouldn't cave in!

"Fine then! Knock me out," he snarled, eyes mocking Wolf.

"Guys! Guys!" exclaimed Snake. "C'mon! You guys are meant to be more mature than this!"

Snorting, Alex replied, "Yeah. Sure. Which is why you lot were playing Monopoly, and cheating."

Snake, sighing, rolled his eyes. "That's not the point!" Taking a deep breath, Snake let it out, and carried on. "Cub, Alex, just let us put the medicine on your hair, and then you can wash it out tomorrow. Use as much shampoo, or whatever, when you wash it out, but—"

"What do I get?"

"Eh?"

"I get something, or I'm not letting you."

Fox rubbed his eyes tiredly, and glared at Alex. "Cub," he growled. "Just let us—"

"I'm a teenager. I'm allowed to be irritating." Alex glared, smirking.

In reply, Wolf snarled, "No. You're not."

Cub crossed his arms over his chest, but then had to remove one arm to scratch his head.

"See!" exclaimed Fox. "You'll be free of that, forever!"

"You'll have to try better than that."

K Unit sighed as one, and looked at each other helplessly.

"What would a teenage boy want?"

"To work with MI6?" suggested Alex. K Unit glared at him. He shrugged, and replied, "Well, most boys wanna be teenage spies, like James Bond, only Junior."

"You already have that," Eagle pointed out.

"Can you get me out of that?"

"No."

"Damn."

Everyone fell silent once more, before Eagle once more spoke up. "How about an iPod?"

"Touch? Or the iPhone?" demanded Alex.

"Too expensive. I'm not spending four hundred dollars on a fucking bribe," Wolf growled.

Alex shrugged, casually, and replied, "It's your call."

"Screw it," Eagle grumbled. He grabbed the medicine from Wolf, and pointed it at Alex. "This stuff is going in your hair. Tough luck if you don't want it."

Eyes glittering, Alex stood up, the towel falling off him making Alex thankful he wore his clothes underneath, as he glared at Eagle.

"No way in hell," he snarled.

Eagle returned the snarl, and leapt at Alex, attempting to get the stuff into his hair. Alex slid to the side, avoiding Eagle, and spun around, watching the SAS soldiers warily.

He was not going to let _any_ of them wage a war on his scalp, thank you very much.

Wolf sighed, scowling at both Eagle and Alex. Why? Why did he have to lead this war effort?

Now, he reminded himself, was not the time to be wallowing in self pity. He had a war to win, and that was his first priority.

Glancing at those around him, he noted that Snake and Fox were prepared to fight, and were standing in the defence pose – knees bent, spread at about shoulder with, and arms bent – and Eagle, clutching the bottle in one hand, was ready to begin exterminating the enemy, if they could get access to the battle scene.

It was with a heavy heart that Alex noticed the stances and expressions of the SAS soldiers in front of him. Grimly, he reflected that many considered that, if there were SAS soldiers in an army, it was impossible to win against them.

_Well_, he thought, _I'm just gonna have to change that, ain't I?_ Alex took a defence stance, watching his Unit warily.

That was when the door bell rang.

K Unit jerked, and stared at the door. _Well_, Wolf thought, _anti-climax, much_? Nevertheless, he carefully slipped the mask off, and answered the door, to find Tom.

"Who're you?" Wolf demanded. Behind him, Alex, one eye watching the soldiers behind him, grinned, and replied,

"That's Tom, my friend. Hey, watcha doing here?"

"My parents are being assholes," grumbled Tom, rubbing his eyes wearily, before jerking and staring at the soldier in front of him. "Who are you?"

"None of your business," Wolf replied. "You can't come in – Alex has head lice, butwon't let us treat it."

"Well, if you'd stop overreacting, and stop treating it like a bloody battle, then maybe I would! I hope to God your insanity isn't contagious!"

"Language!"

"Shuddup."

"Um, Alex?" asked Tom, glancing behind his friend to eye the additional soldiers. "Are you sure it's _safe_ to disagree with them?"

K Unit snorted, amused, hoping that Alex would say that it wasn't safe to disagree with the SAS soldiers, but Alex merely shrugged, and replied, ""M fine. They can't kill me, so yeah."

Wolf sighed. "Just my luck to end up with possibly the only teen who isn't scared of us."

"I used to be," Alex said, shrugging. "But I'm not any more."

"Ah," Fox sighed. "The good old days." Rolling his eyes, Alex turned to Tom.

"They're treating my head lice like it's some crazy battle," he complained, using his teenage mood swings to change to _complaining-whiny-brat_. "It's insane!"

"Well, we've never treated stuff like this before," Wolf protested, defending himself and his Unit.

"Well, I suppose he's got a point, but it's no big deal, head lice," Tom replied, acting casual though he shifted (much) closer to Alex when Wolf glared at him. "Um, my mum's a doctor, so I know … Yeah..." Tom whimpered slightly at the SAS-patented glares.

"Help?" pleaded Alex, turning to Tom and ignoring the glares that had now shifted onto him. "I really don't trust K Unit with my hair."

"You act like such a girl when it comes to your hair," grumbled Tom, rolling his eyes, "which, I suppose, is why all the girls drool over your hair."

Smirking, Alex led Tom into the lounge room. Upon entering the room, Tom saw, in proper detail, the three SAS soldiers standing there, with masks and gloves on.

"They really are treating this seriously, aren't they?" he asked, after staring in shock for several seconds.

"No shit, Sherlock."

"Language!" snapped Wolf, entering after the boys, only to see Alex roll his eyes, and Snake snigger.

"Respect your elders, Cub, and what's so funny, Snake?"

"That you actually act like Cub's father."

Silence met this statement, followed shortly by Alex collapsing onto the couch, though not actually falling unconscious (much to K Unit's disappointment), K Unit (minus Wolf) laughing, and Tom simply staring in shock.

"I am – Do not!" stuttered Wolf, shocked that such a serious allegation, in the middle of _war,_ too, could arise.

"Aren't we supposed to be treating Alex's head lice?" he asked, finally. K Unit automatically stopped laughing and entered soldier mode.

**A/N: Another prep chapter. And the intro of Tom. Because Tom is important. Um. Yeah. Long chap for you. Be happy. Thank you to ALL who have reviewed. While I got less reviews than for Chap One, I'm still happy. Next chapter written. I just wait for reviews to flow before I update. So review, people! **

**Thanks to Scorpia710 for pointing out the mixup with pounds and dollars in Chap One!**


	4. Chapter 4

Chapter Four

Tom was trying to decide whether he should laugh and treat the situation as a joke, or ring up some mental health service. He was pretty sure the mental health service option was better.

After all, insane people ought to be properly taken care of, right?

K Unit was treating the entire head lice situation as a battle. A war. Alex's head lice seemed to be exactly like a difficult mission located somewhere in the Middle East, flushing out the Al-Qaeda, Taliban or some similar terrorist organisation/militant government.

It was all rather freakishly insane.

Heck, they had even compiled a list of every single place in the apartment and had started stripping down every single washing machine-able surface as according to that list. 'Weapons' were stored on the kitchen bench, in groups according to which person was 'licensed' to use them.

Yes. Apparently, it was necessary to be insane and battle-obsessed to be within the SAS. Although … It _was_ called the _Special_ Air Services for a reason.

Sighing, Tom watched as Wolf forced Alex into a chair and opened the bottle of head lice treatment. Tom winced. Alex would not be happy.

As soon as Alex heard the noise, of course, he was up and out of the chair, eyeing Wolf distrustfully.

"I don't want you... No," said Alex, flatly refusing Wolf's treatment. "Tom's doing it, or no one is."

Silence reigned for several minutes. K Unit was horrified. Tom was horrified. Alex felt that his chances of living today out had somewhat improved. The neighbours were blissfully unaware of the battle.

K Unit was fairly certain that, by handing over their casualty to another person, Alex would face a horrendous death by sheer incompetence.

Tom was fairly certain he was about to murdered painfully by K Unit.

Alex was fairly certain that Tom, whose mother was doctor, would treat him far better than a battle-obsessed K Unit.

The people living in the apartments to either side of Wolf's were all unaware of the battle taking place in the apartment.

They were also unprepared for the exceedingly loud yell from Wolf.

"NO BLOODY FUCKING WAY IN THE FRICKING DEEPEST REGIONS OF THE FRIGGING MIDDLE EAST OR BRECON BEACONS!"

**A/N: *hides* I know, I know -- very short chapter for a very long wait. I promise it gets longer after this. And better. Poor K Unit. Tom and Alex have are angry... And I know I haven't released the promised sequels for Revenge in Dramatic Form, but I'm working on it. I promise. (Which does mean something, I swear. I had a brainwave for the sequels. The torture of Wolf and Fox is guaranteed. *evil laugh*) **

**Anyway, my personal life is kinda snowed under.... and my mother is being utterly evil...and yeah... So are my friends. I have one brainwave for a Harry Potter fic, and everyone wants me to write it. That reminds me. If you're a beta reader for HP fics, or know one, could you please tell me? I need someone sane to bounce ideas off, and help me craft a plot line. Not that many of my fics have one... **

**Review, please. Reviews convince me to spend more of my (non existant) free time writing.**

**PS: No. I don't believe that SAS soldiers actually are insane. I swear. I have nothing against them. All recognisable characters and all that (aka: EVERYONE and EVERYTHING in this fic) are owned by Horowitz or real life -- Taliban, Al-Queda (however that's spelt. If you know the right spelling, tell me, please), etc. **


	5. Chapter 5

Chapter Five

"Language, Wolf," chorused K Unit, Alex and Tom. Wolf, whilst using Death-Glare-Three ™ on them, grabbed the packet of medicine off Tom, and held it ransom. Alex winked at Tom. Sighing, Tom grabbed the latex gloves from the medicine box next to him.

"Honestly," grumbled Alex, "you're supposed to set an example, _Wolfie_." Everyone gasped. Nicknames were not good, not in the SAS world.

Eagle and Fox shared a grin.

One.

Two.

Three.

"CUB!" Wolf roared, lunging towards the boy, who dodged the lunge, whilst Tom used the distraction to grab the medicine off Wolf. He held the brown bottle up victoriously, as all of K Unit gaped at them.

_Honestly_, Wolf snarled to himself. Two teenage boys should _not_ have been able to out-manoeuvre fully-trained SAS soldiers.

Then again … This was Rider they were talking about.

"HA!" the two boys yelled, before dashing to Alex's room, chased by the now non-startled SAS soldiers. Tom and Alex shut themselves in, laughing as they slumped against the door.

Recovering from the unexpected victory, Alex stood up, examining the lock on the door. Once he was satisfied that the lock would hold against Wolf's hammering on the door, he offered a hand to Tom, and hauled him up. Tom started to read the instructions on the bottle as Alex dropped into the chair.

"_ALEX CUB RIDER_!" Wolf yelled. "LET US IN _**IMMEDIATELY**_!"

Tom pulled on some latex gloves, and started to apply the medicine onto Alex's hair, ignoring the livid SAS unit on the door. This was a bit difficult. Tom, who had never had the dubious pleasure of working with or against highly-trained soldiers, was just that little bit scared.

For his life.

Which was a bit pathetic, but he didn't care.

Most teenagers were meant to be scared by highly-trained soldiers.

"Sure this ain't gonna ruin my hair?" asked Alex. He was unbothered by the highly-trained soldiers banging on the door.

"Nah. It shouldn't." Tom winced at the quaver in his voice, as he spared a glance towards the door.

Relaxing ever so slightly, Alex grimaced as Tom started to comb through his hair, using gloved fingers, to spread the liquid on each strand of his hair. Breathing deeply, Alex tried to stay calm as the medicine was spread through his hair.

"In case you haven't noticed, Tom," Alex added, reflecting on what Tom had said, "things that shouldn't happen tend to happen around me."

"Uh-huh. And how, pray tell, is someone going to be able to hijack this particular bottle of head lice medicine and replace it with some random stuff that'll melt your scalp, seep into your brain and kill you?"

"That did _not_ make me feel better."

"Awww…Poor Alex," Tom replied teasingly, patting the boy's shoulder, ignoring the subsequent glare.

--

Wolf was not happy. Not happy at all. His soldier, Cub, Alex, trusting a non SAS soldier to treat something as serious as head lice?! Nothing this serious, nothing that needed a battle plan, should ever be trusted with any civilian.

For once, the rest of K Unit was in total agreement with him.

"Right," said Wolf, slipping into Commander-Mode. "We need to get in there, and stop them before Alex dies."

"And how are we going to do that?" asked Eagle. "Get a small bomb and blow apart his door?"

"That's actually not a bad idea."

Eagle gaped at him. Snake picked up a piece of paper he'd noticed. He read it.

"Ah, guys?" he asked.

"Yeah?"

"Um. This is the info sheet that came with the bottle."

They all read it. Their faces started to blanch.

Emphasised throughout the information was the need to _not_ over-react.

"Okay," said Eagle slowly. "So, we might've just over-reacted?"

"ABOUT-TIME!" snapped Alex, re-entering the lounge room, having heard the aforementioned discussion. Tom followed, albeit meekly. He was still pretty certain he was about to face death by SAS soldiers. "Jesus."

"Language."

There was silence as the entire room gaped at Wolf.

"What?" he snapped, defensively.

"Well, firstly, who's a bloody hypocrite?" asked Alex, ticking one finger off. "And secondly, who over-reacted?"

"Well, how were we supposed to know that head lice isn't actually too bad?!" Fox demanded, after a few seconds of 'well-aren't-we-stupid' silence. Silently, Alex pointed at the info sheet Fox held.

"Oh –Ah...Well… Um … _Yeah_?" stammered Wolf, ignoring both the incredulous 'OMG-Wolf-Is-STAMMERING?!' looks and the livid 'Why-Did-You-Not-Read-The-Information-Sheet?' looks.

"Okay, so maybe we should have read the info sheets, but –"

"Yes?"

"I mean, you know, sometimes over-reacting is good?"

"In which world?"

"Battle-world?"

"Which does _not_ exist."

"It's SAS logic. SAS logic trumps all."

"No. It does not. _Especially_ when you try to use it on something like fricking head lice!"

K Unit, now looking appropriately sheepish expressions, slumped into their chairs.

"So how long do I have to wait?" asked Alex.

"Twelve hours," Tom replied.

"Do we have any homework?"

"Yeah. English, you gotta do that essay prep sheet, and in Science, it's Exercise 3.1, which is something on velocity in a circle, or orbital motion, or some crap. Yeah ... Anyway ... Um. We did some new formulas in Maths, and started on the, ah, the what's-it, quadratic formula, I think... Um. Yeah. That's it. Drama thingie is next week, by the way."

There was silence, for several minutes, before Alex groaned.

"I have too much homework," he whined, dropping his head into his hands.

"Leave it 'till later!" suggested Eagle brightly. "I mean, c'mon, Monopoly is so much better!"

There was silence, before Tom remarked, "Well, aren't you a responsible guardian?"

"That's not our job. Our job is SAS soldier first, parent or guardian second."

"That does not excuse your terrorising the two of us," Alex grumbled. "Besides, I feel so under-loved now. That counts as child abuse, you know."

"Actually," Tom replied casually, "It's neglect, not abuse." Alex scowled at him.

"You think we care?" Wolf grumbled, having just had one of the more embarrassing moments in his life. Alex shot him the Rider-Death-Glare©.

Silence once again reigned, before Wolf, glaring at the two of them, kicked them out of the apartment as punishment for being 'cocky, arrogant idiots who didn't understand SAS logic'.

Yet, as Alex put it oh- so-eloquently, SAS logic was a whole heap of crap.

Nevertheless, the two boys enjoyed their freedom, until Wolf called, demanding they come back to the apartment. Nine o'clock was just that tad bit too late to be out on the streets.

"Especially with Alex's head lice," Wolf added, citing his second reason.

Alex sighed.

**A/N: Not entirely happy with the ending. Spent a couple of weeks (okay, a few days) agonizing over it. ~sigh~ Anyway, a bit overdue, but this is the end. No, you may not kill me. Now, though, I can concentrate on other fics (officially, I'll be concentrating on real life, but that doesn't really matter XD ) Um. Yeah. **

**I mean, there's only so long you can drag out a case of head lice. **

**Review, please! Criticism appreciated!**


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